Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Tech Support

08/30/2009

Tech Support Cheat Sheet

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According To (Out)Sources

06/11/2009

Bringing back one of my favorite TV shows… Hoofy and Boo talk outsourcing.

View more at Minyanville

Some Magical Enjoyment

06/09/2009

A sleight-of-hand extravaganza by Bill Malone called “Sam the Bellhop”. Enjoy!

Seinfeld on the BlackBerry

06/08/2009

“They always hold it, in their hand, because this is what BlackBerry commands them to do”

Accountants and Actuaries – Comic Relief

05/21/2009
  • When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
  • Why did God invent economists? To make accountants and meteorologists look good.
  • What’s an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humor.
  • Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.
  • What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.
  • What’s the difference between the male sperm and an accountant? The sperm has a chance to become human.
  • and my favorite… What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

Have a great weekend!

(Still on vacation in Europe. Back in a week!)

And some comic relief…

05/08/2009

If you know the punch line to this one before you read it its even funnier…

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s…. last name!

Have a great weekend!

Nobody’s Happy!

05/04/2009

11/04/2008
The Ant and The Grasshopper

Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals!

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Americans stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so ? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’ Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome.’ Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’ s sake. Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Hillary and Barack go on national television agreeing that the plight of the grasshopper is the fault of George Bush. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Obama gets his old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow to start over again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be very careful how you vote in 2008!

09/25/2008

All Pun Intended

After all the seriousness, the tumult in markets and all the boring posts, I thought it was time for some fun.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle,
he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults:
Practice safe sects!


Courtesy of David Fisher

07/22/2008

Some Comic Relief…
…considering of course you haven’t lost your job!

04/30/2008

The Reality of the Economic Stimulus Package

By Dave Barry

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up

Thanks Dave!

02/13/2008

My Favorite Superbowl Commercial

08/03/2007

Sentimental Thoughts…

When IBD says that the Rally may be over, how many of its 200,000 subscribers are actually cashing out?

Reasons for a sharp-150-point rally on Wednesday: First day of the month buying, short covering, trading errors, technical indicators. Reasons for the same thing Thursday anybody?

Jason Hummel predicts $8000 silver in the next 15 years. But wouldn’t industrial buying slack off as the price evaluates the differential between demand to supply?

Stocks tallied back and forth for months before the Crash of 1929 after completing their highs. What makes this time different?

The so-smarts don’t seem all that smart anymore.

Friday Funnies

From Fark: Bally Total Fitness files Chapter 11 bankruptcy. In related news, McDonald’s posted record profits this quarter

“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs”

Lily Tomlin

I had a great laugh today when I read a BS chart telling me that stocks were overvalued in 1982! I’ll tear that apart for you on Sunday.

07/30/2007
You Gotta Love It

New Lows This Week:
D.R. Horton (DHI)… America’s largest homebuilder
USG Corporation (USG)… America’s largest dry wall maker
Equity Residential (EQR)… America’s largest apartment owner
Duke Realty (DRE)… America’s largest public office space owner
Health Care Property (HCP)… America’s largest health care REIT
Countrywide Financial (CFC)… America’s largest mortgage lender
Trump Entertainment (TRMP)… America’s largest ego

07/28/2007
What Would Joe Boxer Do?

I came across a fascinating thread on Fark Business containing over 300 comments. I wasn’t much surprised to hear hundreds of standard thinking “investors” take the stand as to what the future holds in store.

The thread was mostly from Thursday. The Friday thread had only about 20 comments. I guess a few more percentage points is what it takes to get some people to start thinking with their heads and not just with their wallets

Almost every single comment by those boasting any profit whatsoever, owned either Apple or Emerging Markets. That’s gotta make you think. Needless to say, came Friday and the Apple shareholders probably weren’t cheering on with so much enthusiasm.

Some comments…

  • “Not my stock.. I own Apple :)”
  • “It’s only 3%, No need for Panic”
  • “Ha ha ha. Freefall my ass. Stock market is up at all time high, and now people are taking Countrywide’s statements as an opportunity to take profit. We’ll be climbing again by Monday.”
  • “This isn’t a “freefall”; it’s a buying opportunity.”
  • “ehh whatever. hopefully it’ll go up by the end of the week :P”
  • “It’s down further than usual but it’s still not to bad.”
  • “God, I wish I could sell my house.”

Misconceptions…

“Everyone’s gonna run from risky assets until they figure out that whether Goldman’s on the hook for KKR’s bank loans has squat to do with whether people in the real economy keep flying to Disneyland and buying clothes for their families.”

Unfortunately, bank loans have plenty to do with Disneyland. Credit Crunches aren’t pretty, but how should he remember; It’s been almost 40 years.

“I’m putting my entire IRA into stamps.”

Stamps? As one commentator mentioned he’d be better off investing in Government Bonds. (some silver Sir?)

“This is a full-on bull-market correction. Look for 10% or more down from the peak, or another 800 or so points on the Dow.”

I do pity this man if he goes ahead and invests everything he’s got after a mere 10% correction. 45% may be more probable. (Once again they ain’t pretty).
“Subby yearns for American failure.”

“…get into Developing Foreign Markets, especially China and India. Growth is HUGE there, and there are mass construction/infrastructure projects that are just begging for money with serious return potential.”

This one sounds like a child who just saw candy for the first time. Yes, the growth is huge, but every last speculator on the freakin planet already knows that.

“The rest of us – those who buy and hold, investing for the long-term – ignore these market movements. In fact, we actually really like it when the market tanks short-term, because it allows our investing dollars to go even further.”

Ah, yes… The Buy-and-Hold mantra. The only ones who truly prosper in bear markets are those who have cash received as dividends from stocks bought with reinvested dividends.

“I’m just pissed Kraft plummeted today on news Warren had a official stake in the company … WTF its supposed to go up on that news :-(“

This is why we don’t speculate on Warren-Buffett-investments. And here’s the greatest joke of all. You are trying to beat Warren on a value play and he gets the bargain!

“Some people took profit. It happens.”

Just profits? People may end up taking a lot less than “profits”.

“Time to short them stocks.”

Sorry bud, but the time to short was at Dow 14,000. Now you might as well wait for the rally and short then.

The 1970’s Mantra: “HA! HA! I DON’T OWN ANY STOCKS!”

Another 70s Mantra: “Ahhhh…the beauty of living pay check to pay check.”


Give Credit where it be deserved…

  • Buy GOLD!
  • It’s not a free fall. It’s a very expensive fall.
  • Some people just don’t understand the concept of “inflation-adjusted”.
  • I bought gold coins and silver coin… I’m gonna own everyone when the crash comes. Also bought guns and 2 years of food.

Remember the last time…