The “Social Security ‘Crisis” explained best

By The Mogambo Guru (04/18/05)

“From another perspective, namely the Up Close And Personal view, Social Security is like when I tell my kid to get a paper route and start making some money mowing lawns and babysitting somebody’s brats. And I will, as the benevolent father who loves her and wants to protect her, will take – poink! – a sixth of everything she makes, off the top. She starts yelling and screaming, “Mom! Daddy took a sixth of my money, and he won’t give it back!” and so my wife yells up the stairs for me to give the money back, and so I go out into the hall and patiently and calmly explain my terrific new plan to Save Our Daughter’s Future, which I cleverly call The Mogambo Plan To Save Our Daughter’s Future (MPTSODF), by yelling back, “Shut yer hole, ya crazy old bag, before I come down there and shut it for you!” Which was apparently the wrong thing to say, because the next thing I know, I hear shells being loaded into a pump 12-gauge shotgun and she is yelling, “You stay right there, mister! I have had all of the Mogambo crap I am going to take!” Deciding to test whether the window is a good emergency fire exit, I quickly found myself outside, and so I went to the bar and had a few rounds, and then everything started looking better. I wrote an IOU on a bar napkin, which I thought was really poetic in its own way, but I probably won’t get any credit for THAT, either!

“But sitting there on that barstool, hour after hour, gave me time to think about how I will tell them that I am taking this money ONLY to save it for her college and eventual retirement, and how this is in her best interests, and how everything will be wonderful, if you trust me. I mean, I give a little of the money to her older sister, who is obviously closer to needing an education and a retirement, and the rest I spend on myself and my hoodlum friends. But instead of admitting that I am stealing her money outright, because it sure as hell LOOKS like I am stealing her money outright, and since everybody knows the kind of dirty, treacherous back-stabbing gutter-rat that I really am, I will leave the aforementioned IOU in the piggy bank! Then it will NOT be stealing, see?

“Then when she gets ready to go to college, and she looks into the piggy bank, and all that is in there are these IOUs that smell like stale beer and cigarette smoke and one of them has the phone number of someone name Trixie written in lipstick, which is a lot harder to explain than you would think. Then, when she is grown and banging on the door, shouting, “Daddy! Wake up! Where is all my money?” then all I have to do is tap her younger sister on the shoulder, hustle her lazy butt out the door to get a paper route, pick up some extra money mowing some lawns, and babysitting somebody’s brats. Then I will take a FIFTH of HER earnings, which is more than enough to pay back some of the IOUs, and there is still plenty still left over for me to spend on myself and my hoodlum friends! Whoopee! And then I can take my new-found expertise onto the campaign trail, so that I can get elected as a Congressman from one of the blue states, which actually believe this kind of crap, and then I can parade around and explain how I want to Save Social Security by doing this exact same thing, and everyone will love me, and re-elect me year after year after year.”

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